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Saturday, June 17, 2006 10:05 PM
Words..I am lost for words..
I'm just so overwhelmed with my first two days of classes, which were last Thursday and Friday. . Di ko maexplain..nakakapagod..nakakatuwa..nakakabaliw..but really fulfilling. Wala pa namang halos formal discussions. I just met my profs and classmates. The two days were basically practice runs for the real thing next week. Patikim kung baga. Pinaexperience samin ang tumawid from CAL to Palma, sumakay ng walang kamatayang ikot at toki, problemahin kung sapat ba ang 15 minutes para makakaabot sa susunod na klase sa kabilang dulo ng campus[masaklap toh!], mafreak-out na lahat ng classmate mo sa isang subject ay higher years lahat..[mas masaklap!], matrauma kung terror ung prof..ayun..
Everything is different..from St. Mary's that is. It's a totally different world. For one, wlang dasal. Walang maarteng greeting..during Eng1..my first class ever!.. nagplay sa head ko ang "May the Lord reward you" nung dinismiss kami. Haha.. You walk into a class and you dont know a single soul. You feel a sense of inferiority.. pero it doesnt trample on your ego.. kxe alam mong wlang magpapakasuperior.. pantay-pantay lahat..
I havent eaten any lunch yet in the campus. Kasalanan ng super-intact kong schedule. Akala ko advantage un.. Nakakapagod pa la.. Pero at least, di ako nagsasayang ng oras sa pagtambay.. Di pa nga ako nakakatungtong ng Casaa. Mirakulo ba ito?? Nalilipasan na nga ako ng gutom eh. Magka-ulcer kaya ako?? Nung vacant ko last Thursday..[vacant din ni Nikoz, Mark, Dycueco at Kathryn..sama-sama kami]..kinain ko lang ay Tortillos..
It was only 2 days.. but the stories seem so endless.. ganito lang cguro pag may bagong nangyayari sa buhay.. I realized that it's not as scary as I thought. Sanayan lang talaga..I mean, I do have to go to college right?.. Nagkataon lang at dinestino ako ni God sa UP. Alam ko, he has a reason for it. Am I deserving of it? I think, yes. And I'll be more than willing to accept the challenges; the ridiculous schedules..the terror-profs.. the long exams.. the 2-inch-thick readings for my Kas2.. the feeling of solitude[pag walang frend].. I know at the end of the line, all the hardwork will pay off..
For now, nanamnamin ko muna ung sakit ng lowerbody ko kakasakay ng jeep..kakaupo sa classes.. at kakalad.. :)
_rockiztangKIKAY_
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Wednesday, June 14, 2006 8:59 PM
I went to school today.
I waited for NIkoz, dumating pero umalis agad.. di man lang nagpakita sakin..tsktsk..
I wasnt able to eat lunch coz I was waiting for someone[ulol!!!] wla lang talaga akong kasama..
Di ako makalibot, again wala akong kasama, at ayokong makita si f@3^$..
Ilang beses ko nga ata cyang nakasalubong..Di ko lang magawang tumingin sa kanya. Siya rin..walang pakealam. Hwahaha.
Nainis ako sa sarili ko. Isa na ko sa mahabang listahan ng mga napaiyak, pinaniwala at iniwan nya. At ung ibang tao na nagsabi dati na walang mangyayari samin.. ayon.. matunog nilang nasasabi ngaun.."Sabi na nga ba eh.." Kita ko un sa mata nila. Magaling ako eh.
Kainjanan nga nangyari ngaun eh. Ininjan ako ni f@3^$.. ni nikoz[kaxe may pinuntahan pa].. aun.. i ended up working alone sa itrc for 4 hours..
Bumaba ako around 2:30..may sumingit sa computer na pinagttrabahuhan ko.. God must really love me kaxe andun c Sir Mangu and Fatima.. Yup! c Fatima. At sa sobrang pagkaoverwhelmed ko.. umiyak ako sa harap nila.. Mahal ko c Sir Mangu and Fatima.. Cry baby na ako..fine.. Pero maxyado ng nasupress ung emotions ko kanina.. Biro mo, daanan ka lang. Haha..
Bumalik din ako sa ITRC. Kupal ung printer.. isa-isa mong ilalagay ung paper.. ung dapat na 15 minutes of printing naging isang oras.
At least may progress na sa yearbook.
At may progress na din cguro sa susunod na araw sa kawalang kwentahang pinagsasabi ko..
At lalong magkakaprogress sa mga ipopost ko..
Emotionally unstable lang tlaga cguro ako ngaun. Haha! :)
_rockiztangKIKAY_
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Tuesday, June 13, 2006 7:51 PM
TODAY
was the freshman orientation. I was scheduled in the morning. I arrived sa theater together with Conanan[cant type his name eh], Frances, Nikoz, Elaine and Kath. Wuhoo!
I badly want to join the UP Pep Squad. Feel ko ang saya nila. Too bad, it takes me days to familiarize steps..tsktsk..asa pa akong matanggap. Drummers and dancers lang daw kelangan.. di ba nila kelangan ng tagasigaw man lang?? Unang-una akong mag-aaply.
After the orientation sa theater, nagwalkathon ang college ko..dun lang naman sa likod ng theater destinasyon namin. I met my blockmates. Okei naman sila. Pero mas gus2 ko sa kabilang block. 2 lalaki. Sa block ko, isa lang. Saklap noh? 3 lang guys na freshman sa course ko. Crush ko nasa kabilang block. Kaso ang panget ng name nya.."mark".. peace tau conanan! :) kasaklapan tlaga oh. gus2 nyo pa ng kasaklapan? meron sa block ko, girl naman.. i find her friendly. kso i asked her name.. sabi nya Maki.. wow! ano ba pinalalabas ni lord?.. chinachallenge ako ah..
At dahil nabored ako.. at sobrang wlang signal sa mga buildings sa UP.[di ko malaman kung intentional ba un pra wlang matetempt magtext] lumabas ako ng building..khit ongoing ang program.. [malaya na ako!].. at gaya ng inaasahan ko.. flood of messages..
Kak's text really gave me the fright.. "Mop, kakagalng lang namin sa skul..I think you need to know something".. Di naman ako slow.. Alam ko agad na it's about him. So tawag naman ako. It didnt even take 5 minutes before ako umiyak. Haha. Nazero na ang natitira kong self esteem. I feel so low and stupid. Take note: Music video dating.. Nglalakad ako..hawak ko ung fone ko..kausap c kak..kakatapos lang ulan..basa ung streets..and I was crying..di exag ah.. konti lang..humahangin..wla akong pake kahit binubusinahan na ako ng mga kotse kasi nasa gitna ako ng parking lot..
"I feel so victimized".. Dun na tlaga ako nagbreakdown. Khit pa cguro pathetic pakinggan.. I dont know how else would I put into words what I felt. Napaniwala ako sa mga bagay na akala ko totoo.. Umasa.. and lied to.. May process nga yan eh.. parang prutas.. may iba't ibang level.. hilaw-hinog-bulok.. of course ung in-betweens pa.. sa ngaun, im certified nasa bulok stage.
pu""a..g""o,f""k.. oy di ko toh gawain.. kung meron dapat sabihan nyan.. ay ako na lang.. haha.. tanga kxe eh..
Hindi ako galit.. bitter?? ewan.. Basta ipinagdadasal ko na lang, di dumami ang species nya. Or better yet, sana tumino na lang sya. Para nman magkaroon ng signifance ang existance nya sa mundo. I know he's a good person..sobra.. di lang nya cguro alam kung pano magpahalaga..may pagkagago rin.
Sa ngaun, hindi ko hinihiling na may dumating na bago..kaxe kung meron man, di ko alam kung may kapasidad pa kong maniwala sa mga sasabihin nya.. or would i even risk my feelings again. Tsaka sa itsura ng college ko na 3 lang ang lalaki.. ewan ko lang..
Basta. Bukas punta ko na skul. Bahala na.
_rockiztangKIKAY_
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Wednesday, June 07, 2006 10:26 PM
my eyes never felt this heavy. i spent a good 30 minutes sobbing just 4 hours ago. that is after a whole day of holding back my emotions. di ko na kinaya eh. my tears are just dying to flow out of my eyes. I fell asleep after that.. And I would like to think that I'm okay now.
ndi ako naiyak nung nangyayari ung kasaklapan ng buhay ko. siguro, alam ko ng mangyayari un. i just didnt think it would happen early this day. but i guess, i had my defenses already.
i knew he was losing grip. and i was denying to myself the fact that i'm aware of it. i focused on trying to sew things together. but i guess the seams aren't enough.
i started the day early. i only had 5 hours of sleep. my mind was bothered..my esteem is close to being gone..i tried to sleep again but my sister's blabbing mouth wasnt any help. i thought.."God, I've been trying hard to be a good kid.. all im asking from you now is for me to sleep, dont you think i deserve that?"
after a few minutes, i was already sitting on our dining table. Subo lang ako ng subo ng hindi man lang nalalasahan kinakain ko. i dont want to be a wreck.
but since im still unstable, i asked for reinforcements. kakak went to save me. she dragged me to the mall just to get my mind off things.. but the more did i get reminded.. the brownies.. tokyo tokyo.. shakeys.. she almost slapped me when i tried to speak of him again.
all i know now, is im okay with everything. if he wants to remain friends.. i would gladly settle for it. he is a good friend in the first place. there are just things you dont get.. and you have to be thankful to what is being offered to you.
he hasnt texted yet..and i dont know if he'll ever text again. i wouldnt be a hypocrite to say that i feel no pain. im full of it. im so scared. but i just dont want to resolve it by crying..or sourgraping. this is just a phase. and soon enough everything will be okay.
_rockiztangKIKAY_
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Im still working on few details. :)
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